This week we had a discussion about communication skills within a sexual relationship. It was interesting in and of itself. What better way to illustrate the existence of infinite levels of communication skills than asking 30 students their thoughts about communicating sexual needs and concerns with their partners?
The book touches on a couple of main reasons that it is difficult to talk about sex: the vulgarity that may be associated with sex, and the irrational beliefs that as long as the relationship exists, the sex is what it is. When we brainstormed and listed methods to enhance sexual communication in the face of these (and other) adversities, the results, along with their logic, were interesting to say the least.
An insightful item on the list of things couples can do to open up their communication was indirect communication, namely instant messaging or text messaging. I thought that this was a very valid suggestion. A lot of us have in one instant or another said something via typed media that we'd not be nearly as comfortable stating vocally. In my head, I can see two people having a discussion in the same room using two laptops. It wouldn't even have to be planned. It could begin as playful banter which could ultimately be steered in any given direction.
What made this more interesting for me is the firm opposition that one person in our small group took. She was absolutely closed to the idea of having a discussion about sex in any medium but the flesh. She couldn't necessarily justify this stance; she had her platform and she was sticking to it. It struck me as a very black and white stance on communication in any degree and I found that surprising. One of the primary lessons to be learned in communication is that the skills and methods are likely to vary greatly from person to person.
We made a list of 10 things that couples can do if they are having trouble communicating about sex, and the second (THE SECOND!?!) item on the list was to get professional help. Perhaps that's just the easy answer in this case, but if every couple who felt any degree of discomfort discussing their sex life with one another went running to a third party for help, I can assure you I would be pursuing a most fruitful career in marriage counseling.
The next most interesting entry came in the suggestion that when lips are zipped on the sex front, patience is a virtue! If we can't talk about it now, we'll just talk about it later. sigh.....
Having patience through a growing process is one thing, but having patience in the 'we'll talk about it a few years from now, when we're more ready to do so' screams imminent disaster in my hardly humble opinion.
The other listed items were to get talking, don't be pushy, listen, take baby-steps, trust activities, play a game, and my personal contribution as well as favourite: drink 2 bottles of wine.
Hardly anyone would argue that both communication and sex are prevalent foundations of a successful relationship. The stronger the two, the stronger the relationship. Keeping this in mind, it becomes pretty clear that the two of them (sex and communication, that is!) will need to find a way to work together in order to prosper. Kind of like a good relationship, you know?
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